Standing Is Not For The Weak

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ~Ephesians 6:13

I call myself a suicide survivor. I have planned my death several times, but every time I was thwarted. I continue to deal with the thought from time to time. However, I am a survivor.

I am not a conqueror in this area of my life. I am still fighting. I am a warrior. I will always fight this fight. I will be a conqueror only when I am dead and not by my own hand.

Maybe my tombstone should say: She was a survivor who became a warrior to finish as a conqueror.

Being a warrior means fighting. For me fighting means talking, making my voice heard. I want to shout out loud so others know they are not alone. We are strong, tens of housands strong. If we make ourselves heard, we can fight together.

Fight the shame, judgement, and labels. We are not broken. No one has anything to be ashamed of. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of anymore.

For too long, the Christian religion has held to a similar position as the world. Mental illness means there is something wrong with you and you are not enough. Some religious people have taken it even farther telling us we just have no faith or are simply just being tested by God or even worse it is just Satan attacking.

I am not about to argue that it isn’t a test of your faith or an attack of Satan. It very well may be. I am going to argue one word I used above “just.” When we attach the word “just”, it makes it sound like we are weak and lowly. Perhaps, we are second class citizens or not good enough. We are not Christian enough.

I don’t about you, but to survive my mental episodes takes all my strength and courage. I am anything but weak.

They don’t see the darkness I see. They don’t feel the world’s impending doom. They don’t hear those voices telling me I am not loved. I am not good enough. The world would be a much better place without me. They don’t feel the absolute loneliness or the anger that rages inside me. They have no idea what my battles look like. They only see the scars and have the audacity to call me weak!

I know during these deep dark times, I call living in the pit, you feel weak, helpless and maybe even out of control. Let me tell you something you are not asked to be in control. You are not asked to fight your way out and conqueror this evil that is surrounding you. You are asked to stand. Just stand. Once choice to make -exist!

Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Ephesians 6:13

Stand, exist, be still, choose life, wait, be patient, survive, choose your word or phrase it doesn’t matter, just stand!

It is okay to just go into survival mode. You can just simply stand still and wait upon the Lord to renew your strength (Is 40:31). As a matter of fact, it is our command. Stand Firm!

I don’t need to find a way to crawl out of the pit. No need to strike back at those things crawling and slithering around me. Don’t bother answering those voices telling me their lies. Just stand!

Reminds me of watching movies or TV shows where the hero is tied to the chair. The bad guy is trying to threaten him or torture him to get the information. With each insult or punch, the hero just glares straight ahead. He knows what the enemy always fails to miss. Help is on the way. All our hero has to do is wait. Just sit there and endure the storm. Joy will come in the morning (Psalms 30:5).

Can you imagine for one second how Jesus did it? He too just stood there as they tortured him. He stood there on the cross bleeding, beaten, and feeling all alone. he cried out to God, “Where are you” but he waited. He didn’t fight back. He didn’t try to plan his escape. No, he waited on the Lord. He knew joy would come in the morning.

Growing up, my dad use to tell me it wasn’t the bully that was the strong one, it was the man that stood his ground. People around you tell you things like, “Just get over it.” “Just move on.” “Just quit being a drama queen” or my personal favorite, “Just shake if off.” When this happens, remember you are not the weak one. You are very strong at the moment. I mean, first of all, you haven’t punched them in the face. Please tell me I am not the only one that has thought about doing that?!?

These people have no idea how much strength it took to get out of that bed and take a shower. How much strength, energy and power it took to take your meds, eat some breakfast or even just open your eyes. They have no idea how much faith it took to take a breath and wait to see which emotion was going to bubble up and then rush over you like a tidal wave leaving you breathless once again.

No my friend, they have no idea just how strong you really are! You

Copyright © 2019 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

Let Your Voice Be Heard

2 Corinthians

Key Verse: 2 Corinthians 1:8 We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sister, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.

A friend recently posted one of those “please read me then copy and post to your page and leave me a note when you are done” on Facebook. Now, I am not necessarily one of those people who go around doing this all of the time, but this particular one hit me. I had just read 2 Corinthians and verse mapped 2 Corinthians 1:8. This facebook post struck my heart.

“Some thoughts as we enter the holiday season. It is important to remember that not everyone is surrounded by large wonderful families. Some of us have problems during the holidays and some of us are overcome with great sadness when we remember the loved ones who are not with us. And many people have no one to spend these times with and are besieged by loneliness. We all need caring, loving thoughts right now. May I ask my friends, wherever you might be, to kindly copy, paste and post this status to give a moment of support for all those who have family problems, health struggles, job issues, worries of any kind and just need to know someone cares. Do it for all of us, for nobody is immune. I hope to see this on the walls of all my friends just for moral support. I know someone will! I did it for a friend and you can too!!”

When I read this, I was once again reminded it is OK to not be OK, even during holidays. Today we are celebrating Thanksgiving in America. It can be a trying time for some people. I know several families who have just lost a loved one. I also know many families who have stopped seeing each other because of a fight. I have an aunt who will be spending the holiday in the hospital. There are numerous reasons to not be thankful today.

The one thing we need to do as we begin to enter the holiday season is to remember not everyone is so joyous. If that person is you, please use your voice. Let your emotions be heard. Don’t bottle up, put on the happy face, and see your way through it, yet again.

We do not have to be ashamed of reaching the pit of despair, even to the point of suicidal thoughts (despaired life itself).  Life is tough. We are troubled and under great pressure, sometimes far beyond our ability. However, we have hope and faith in God to see us through. When we come through, it is our voice that will help others get through their journeys. It is our duty to not shut up and hide our past. It is our past that will shine the light brightly and lead others to God.

Remember our past helps make us, but it does not define us. Even chocolate cake was once just eggs, butter, and flour, but oh boy, how good is it now!

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

Save Me from My Darkness

Romans 10:13 HCSB
For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. 

PTSD throws me back to the times and places of my attacks.  Not only do I feel emotionally and physically everything around me, I also hear everything that was happening then.  I smell everything just like it was. I can even taste the moment.  Everything in the here and now melts away and I am thrown back into that exact moment over and over again. I relive it like a nightmare that will not end.

As I sit in my pit of despair, when my PTSD has sent me over the edge and all I see is darkness all around, the old demons come back.  I can hear the laughter and hissing all around. I feel the inky darkness of evil overtaking me. Thoughts of self mutilation and even suicide become a familiar tune.

I have admitted these feelings to few people.  Only a couple of people in my life truly understand and have even walked these pathways too. As a matter of fact, this is the first time I have put these thoughts in writing.  My poetry is often dark and obscure, but I have never out and out talked about self mutilation and suicide.

I have done lots of research and ready many books on PTSD, as well as other mental disorders. For years my doctors thought I was bipolar. It took one doctor to finally look at me and hear my story to realize it was actually PTSD.

Recently, I picked up another book from an author not only spoke to me, but seemed to be walking right beside me. In the Middle of the Mess is Sheila Walsh’s story of her own fight with depression, including suicidal thoughts.

In one part of the book she was describing a particular night where she was fighting the darkness all around her.  Her experience was very similar to the one I described above.  She remembers calling out Romans 10:13

“I called that verse out loud and I believed it. I called on His name and believed Him. I had been saved from hell and into eternity ever since, as an eleven-year-old girl, I accepted Jesus as my Savior. But that night I needed saving in the present, and I knew it. It wasn’t that I needed to become a Christian again; instead, I needed the power of the living Word of God to save me from the present tormentors.”

I have been saved since I was seven years old.  I am a Pastor’s wife and have been in church all my life.  I have heard or read that verse millions of times, but never like this.  I have always read it as part of the salvation road or Roman’s Road as we always called it.  I never looked at it in present tense.  I called out and the LORD saved me.

In the middle of my darkest times, I call out and the LORD saves me.

I don’t know what you are going through right now or what you may be facing tomorrow.  I do know that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.  This does not just mean salvation from your sins when you become a Christian.  You will be saved from your circumstances. I don’t know how. I don’t know when, but I know the LORD will save you! So hang in and repeat this with me and keep repeating it until you believe it!

For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. Romans 10:13

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.