PTSD Archives - Page 2 of 3 - Tabetha’s Devotions

December 20, 2018December 20, 2018

Yet I Will Rejoice

Habakkuk 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD. I will be joyful in God my savior.

When depression, anxiety, and PTSD hit, they take me down, down deep into the pit. I feel like I am drug swiftly and hard. I grab for anything around to hold on to, but it breaks within my grasp. I can see I am losing touch with reality, but I cannot stop it.

The weight is heavy on my heart and mind. The darkness surrounds and swallows me up. It is too late. No turning back now. I must survive.

How long will it last?
How deep will I go?
Will I find my way back?
Am I lost forever this time?

I don’t know. I need to focus on surviving this moment.
I need to laugh. I need to smile. I need to fight back.

I’m too tired. It hurts. I have nothing left in me.

Then, I hear it, a small distant voice. I am not sure if I am imagining it. It is so faint. “Let Go. Let me hold you.”

Soon, I catch a glimpse of a very faint light. A flicker. It takes all my remaining strength to focus on this beautiful sound and light. I fight the urge to turn away. Then I let go. I don’t fight. I just sit and wait.

A familiar peace starts warming my soul. The light brightens. The voice gets louder. It soon repeats in my heart, “yet I will rejoice in the LORD. I will be joyful in God my savior” (Habakkuk 3:18).

My lips tremble at first. My voice is silent. No air passes my vocal cords, not even a squeak. I am being choked and cannot scream out for help.

I press on with determination from deep within. “Let your voice be heard” starts pounding now, in my head. LET! YOUR! VOICE! BE! HEARD!

My lips part. They begin to move, “yet I will rejoice in the LORD. I will be joyful in God my savior.” Again! AGAIN! A-G-A-I-N!

My voice is now booming. The darkness struggles to hold on. It loses its grip. It scrambles and tightens its talons, but I slip through.

My strength returns. I stand up tall and straight. The light around me is so bright. The voice is loud and harsh and together we dispel the darkness.

I AM FREE!

December 6, 2018

Battle in the Pit

Psalm 77

Psalms 77:12 (NIV) I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.

Those of us with mental illness do not have a corner on the market on anxiety and depression. As a matter of fact, recent studies say 1 in 10 Americans have suffered from depression in the last year. We all battle with sadness and fears and we all end up in the pit sometimes. You are not alone!

So where do we turn when out trust in God seems to waiver? When answers don’t come immediately, and God seems so far away? What should we do when rescue doesn’t come, and we begin to slip back into “Why Me?” We begin to doubt God loves us and cares for us. We feel as if God is rejecting us. Does God even love me anymore? Will God never again come to my rescue and bring me peace?

Asaph faced the same questions in Psalm 77. He found himself crying out to God for help when he was in distress. He talks of being anxious and not finding comfort. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t find the words to express what was going on (verses 1-4). He followed all the teachings we have heard such as Philippians 4:6, “do not be anxious…by prayer and petition… present your requests” and “Humble yourselves… cast all your anxiety on him” (1 Peter 5:6 & 7) and yet no relief comes.

Then we hit rock bottom (verses 7-9). The pit begins to close in on us and we start wondering if God has forgotten about us. In just a few chapters over in chapter 88, Asaph describes this time as being “counted among those who go down to the pit” (vs. 4) and “put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths” (vs 6). Just when it feels there is no way any light will ever penetrate our soul again; a thought comes to mind. Do you remember when…?

Do you remember the time you were running late, you had to park at a meter only to find you had no change, but by the grace of God, the meter still had an hour left on it? Or the time, you pumped your gas and ran in to pay when you realize you forgot your money, and someone offered to pay? What about the time you felt so alone and down on yourself and someone smiled and told you how lovely your outfit was today? These are God winks! These are weapons to defeat the enemy.

When we step back and take a moment to remember all of the things God has brought into our lives, all the times he has saved us, we take our eyes off the problem. We are reminded just how great our God is (Psalm 77:13). We revel in his display of power among our lives (vs 14).

No, peace may not come right away. Our answer may still be on the horizon. We may have to wait it out in the pit for just a little while longer, but now we have a weapon to battle with while we are there. We have something to hang on to. We have hope because of all the great things God has done in the past. We have hope that he will restore us once again and make his face shine on us that we may be saved again (Psalm 80:7).

Prayer: Thank You, Father, for all the miracles you have brought into our lives. Thank you for hearing our cries and prayers from the pit and being right there with us. Help us to always remember just how much you love us and are there for us. Bring to our memories Your manly faithful acts in the past, so we can take our eyes off the current problem and put them where they belong, on You. In Jesus name, Amen.

Your Turn:

Choose your weapon! What event from your past will you choose for encouragement, to battle in the pit? Share your comments below. You never know, your story might be the one to save someone else.

November 29, 2018

Just Be Held

Isaiah 26

Key Verse: Isaiah 26:3-4 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.

I was deflated when I read the words “whose minds are steadfast”. With mental illness, there is no steadfast in my head. Anxiety, depression, PTSD swirl around forever. Darkness, death, and what feels like pure evil are always a single breath away.

Then, I stopped and researched the word steadfast. In this verse, the original Greek word is samak. Its meaning was not what I thought.

Webster says steadfast is an adjective that means loyal, faithful, committed, devoted, dedicated, dependable, resolutely, or dutifully firm and unwavering.

Samak, on the other hand, is a verb that means to brace, to lean upon, rely upon, gain confidence, refresh, or strengthen.

The Greek word for mind in this passage is yeser which simply means an inclination, disposition, motivation, or desire.

With this little bit of knowledge, I now look at these verses an entirely different way. God is not telling me my mind has to be committed or dependable. No! He is telling me to take an action. I need to be trying to lean on him, rely on him. This reminds me of my favorite Casting Crowns song, Just Be Held.

We need to let go and just be held. Being held is the perfect peace God is giving to those, in this passage, who learn to lean on Him!

October 20, 2018

Overwhelmed with Troubles, Near Death, in a Pit, without Strength.

Hebrew 11:1
Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

In the throes of depression, anxiety or even a PTSD attack, I feel alone. I feel I am in the pit. I am surrounded by darkness.

Yet, in this darkness that is full of evil, sadness, hatred, anger a sweet sickening voice calls out softly. It pretends to be my friend. It pretends to understand. It pretends to comfort me. It says things like…

Life is so hard. Your life is a struggle. It just isn’t worth it. Just give in. You are so tired. It would e easier if you just give up. You don’t want to fight anymore. You can’t fight anymore. Everyone else would be so much better without you in their lives. That is what you really want. you are a selfless, loving person. You want what is best for them. So go ahead. Do what is best for them.

In the pit, I feel like Psalms 88:3-4

I am overwhelmed with troubles and my life draws near to death. I am counted among those who go down to the pit. I am like one without strength.

Yes, I am overwhelmed with troubles, near death, in a pit, without strength.

But, wait! These words are in God’s word. God knows where I am. God knows what I am feeling. He used the exact words I am feeling. He even knows I feel like I am crying out to Him and He is rejecting me (Ps 88:14).

He has also provided a magic word to see me through the pit. There is one word, just five little letters long, that will see me out of this pit. That word is FAITH!

The writer of Hebrews us in chapter 11 verse 1 said,

Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

So, where does this leave me in my pit of despair? It leaves me confident that as I hope for God to save me and assurance that even though I don’t see Him right now He is there.

THAT IS FAITH!

June 13, 2018

Save Me from My Darkness

Romans 10:13 HCSB
For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.

PTSD throws me back to the times and places of my attacks. Not only do I feel emotionally and physically everything around me, I also hear everything that was happening then. I smell everything just like it was. I can even taste the moment. Everything in the here and now melts away and I am thrown back into that exact moment over and over again. I relive it like a nightmare that will not end.

As I sit in my pit of despair, when my PTSD has sent me over the edge and all I see is darkness all around, the old demons come back. I can hear the laughter and hissing all around. I feel the inky darkness of evil overtaking me. Thoughts of self mutilation and even suicide become a familiar tune.

I have admitted these feelings to few people. Only a couple of people in my life truly understand and have even walked these pathways too. As a matter of fact, this is the first time I have put these thoughts in writing. My poetry is often dark and obscure, but I have never out and out talked about self mutilation and suicide.

I have done lots of research and ready many books on PTSD, as well as other mental disorders. For years my doctors thought I was bipolar. It took one doctor to finally look at me and hear my story to realize it was actually PTSD.

Recently, I picked up another book from an author not only spoke to me, but seemed to be walking right beside me. In the Middle of the Mess is Sheila Walsh’s story of her own fight with depression, including suicidal thoughts.

In one part of the book she was describing a particular night where she was fighting the darkness all around her. Her experience was very similar to the one I described above. She remembers calling out Romans 10:13

“I called that verse out loud and I believed it. I called on His name and believed Him. I had been saved from hell and into eternity ever since, as an eleven-year-old girl, I accepted Jesus as my Savior. But that night I needed saving in the present, and I knew it. It wasn’t that I needed to become a Christian again; instead, I needed the power of the living Word of God to save me from the present tormentors.”

I have been saved since I was seven years old. I am a Pastor’s wife and have been in church all my life. I have heard or read that verse millions of times, but never like this. I have always read it as part of the salvation road or Roman’s Road as we always called it. I never looked at it in present tense. I called out and the LORD saved me.

In the middle of my darkest times, I call out and the LORD saves me.

I don’t know what you are going through right now or what you may be facing tomorrow. I do know that everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. This does not just mean salvation from your sins when you become a Christian. You will be saved from your circumstances. I don’t know how. I don’t know when, but I know the LORD will save you! So hang in and repeat this with me and keep repeating it until you believe it!

For everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. Romans 10:13

December 11, 2017

Who is driving the bus?

Psalms 29:11
The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.

I went to a new doctor today. After many years of seeing the same doctor, I had gotten quite comfortable with myself. My doctor was a good friend of mine. Unfortunately, he had to move his practice far enough away that I was no longer able to see him.

I have known about this move for six months. I have been on this new doctor’s list for about 4 months or so, but I had not gone in to see him. I hate meeting new doctors.

Now, I do realize no one likes to go to the doctors. I mean we don’t usually wake up and say…gee I wonder what my doctor is doing today. I think I should make an appointment to see him.

However, I HATE going to the doctor’s office and I REALLY HATE seeing a new doctor!!!!!!

I have quite a few issues. If you have read my older blogs you know one of them is seizures. I have not seen a neurologist in over 10 years because I gave up on them. So, I really hate discussing that problem, but I was expecting it. I also have two types of arthritis, asthma and Crohn’s disease. Again, I don’t like going over my history and what I am currently doing about them, but I was expecting it.

What I wasn’t expecting to discuss, my PTSD.

Before you ask, no my PTSD is not combat PTSD. I was not in the military. I wish my doctor would have asked that and just left it there. But NO! He wants to dive into what trauma in my life could have caused my PTSD.

Here is my theory on PTSD. It is kind of like Fight Club (movie reference). The first rule about Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club! Yep! That sums up my feeling on my PTSD! Unfortunately, this new doctor did not agree.

***INSERT MELTDOWN HERE***

Now you would think someone who is writing her dissertation on PTSD was comfortable with her own fight. Well, most of the time I am. Unfortunately, the nature of PTSD does not leave you in control. You do not get to pick and choose how you will feel or respond. I have spoken in front of people before concerning my PTSD. Today, however, was just a day that PTSD was driving the bus and it was racing out of control very quickly!

Flashbacks flooded my head. I was crying the entire way home. None of my mind techniques would work. My service dog clung to me to try and make me feel safe and distract my mind.

I would love to tell you my first thoughts were some beautifully worded prayer that would tickle the ear of any Christian.

Nope!

I screamed at God! I screamed, “Why?”

I screamed, “How could you?”

I screamed, “Where are you?”

I screamed, “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS!!!!”

What did I hear back? The Holy Spirit brought to my mind Psalms 29:11. He said I am giving you strength because you are mine. I am blessing you with peace. Accept it. Sit back and let me take control of the bus!

My heart stopped racing. My anger subsided. Reality began to return.

Thank you, Lord, for your strength and peace. You were with during the trauma. You held my hand and screamed and cried with me. You still hold my hand as you fill me with your strength and peace.

My voice has been heard by many young men and women. My story has been shared before. I have been the voice of the voiceless. I wish I would not have gone through my trauma, but I am glad that I survived. For if my journey can save even one person from giving in to the darkness, then I would gladly do it all over again.

September 18, 2017

Fear Fighting

Psalm 16:8 (GNT)
I am always aware of the LORD’S presence; he is near, and nothing can shake me.

Fears come in many forms. It is more than normal to be afraid of things.

My daughter is in the Air Force. She has been trained to kill. She takes plains apart and puts them back together. However, she sees the tiniest of spiders and she is grabbing her AK47 to take it out! By the way, I have a male co-worker who would grab an entire arsenal and follow right alongside her, so don’t think it is just a girl thing.

I have an irrational fear of sharks. I had the “pleasure” of being in Jaws 3 as an extra and although I never did a scene with Bruce (the animatronic shark), I am still petrified of great whites. I mean seriously, I have to keep my eyes closed in Finding Nemo when Bruce is on the screen.

Fear of failure or embarrassing yourself can keep you from doing great things. I know I have been so scared because I felt totally inadequate. As a matter of fact, you are reading a fear of mine right now. I was so afraid to open up a blog and begin writing. There are still days I sit and look at my computer and wonder who I think I am. Who wants to read anything I would write? I often have to take a deep breath and remember it isn’t about me. It is what God has called me to do. I just need to show up and do my best and let him handle the rest.

Another form of fear is found in my PTSD. Lately, I have had some major struggles in this area. I have woke up with night terrors and not sure where I am or what just happened. After a recent sleepless night, because I refused to go back to sleep after waking up from a dream, I reached for a book to read and came across Psalm 16:8.

Through this verse, God reminded me I wasn’t alone. My demons could not hurt me. They were just playing with my mind again.

Now, this next part may seem a little silly to some people, and that is fine. This idea just isn’t for you, but it worked for me and so I am sharing it in case there is someone else who needs to hear it. The next night, when I went to bed, I was once again struck with the fear of sleeping. So, I created a verse image and put it on my iPad and kept in on next to my bed. This way when I woke up the first thing I would see was the verse and I could read it and fight back against my fear. I also put my bible on my nightstand. I know in all reality it is physically just a book, but sometimes just reaching out and touching it reminds me of who I am and whose presence I am in and who is going to fight my battles.

My demons can never stay in the presence of God. They cannot win when I remind them of who I am and more importantly who my Father is. I just have to be made aware of the LORD’s presence; he is near, and nothing can shake me.

I hope this helps someone out there. Remember no matter what your fear is, God is there too!

September 13, 2017

Fair Weather Fan

Psalm 28:6

Praise be to the Lord, for he has heard my cry for mercy.

Last year, the Chicago Cubs found themselves with a lot more fans. It is amazing how people started crawling out of the nowhere. I mean people that didn’t know their infield from their outfield where all of a sudden Chicago Cubs experts.

It is easy to be a fan when your team is on top. It takes a true fan to stick with them the other 108 years!

Unfortunately, so many people see Christianity the same way. God is awesome when things are going your way. When you can stand on that mountain and shout the joys and praises to him all is good, but what about those dark days? Those days when it feels like this:

Imprisoned
Shackled
Darkness surrounds
Deep down inside

Those words are harsh
They cut like a knife
No longer in control
Deep down inside

Why don’t they stop
Can’t they see the pain
It’s so dark
Deep down inside

The tears are streaming
The anger is raging
Why is it so dark
Deep down inside

I hear my voice
I try to scream
I am here in the dark
Deep down inside

Too late now
The damage is done
I must wait in the dark
Deep down inside

The light will come
It always does
But for now, I wait
Deep down inside

Can you praise God for hearing your cry even when he hasn’t rescued you from it? Can you thank him before the answer comes? Can you praise him when the answer is no?

Christian’s don’t live a life of rainbows and unicorns. Dark days come and dark days go. Continuing to praise the Lord through it all is what makes you a true fan.

September 12, 2017

Give Me A Pen!

Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

I need a pen
Give me a pen
I must write
My soul is swirling
My thoughts are jumbled

I am a complete mess
Nothing makes sense
My nerves are raw
My body is jittery
I am overwhelmed

I can’t control this feeling
The darkness haunts me
It is coming fast
I can’t stay ahead of it
How long will this last

I have the shakes
I want to pick a fight
A blood thirst some would call it
I need to calm down
I need to take a breath

I need a pen
Give me a pen
I must put my thoughts down.

~Tabetha Frick

Yesterday was a strong day for my depression. I felt it creeping up on me. Stalking me like a lion. I pleaded with God to take it away. I didn’t want to walk down that path again. I was afraid to walk down that path again. I am always afraid I won’t find my way back.

Satan loves to play with me that way. He loves to use my fears against me. He loves to make the darkness swirl around me and try to strangle me. He likes to try and snuff out all my hope. My joy. My peace. He drives me to the one place he never wants to find me. Writing!

People ask me why I write. I write because I have to. God has placed this need inside of me. It is my escape hatch from the darkness. I fall on my knees and pray. I grab a pen and just write. Some of my darkest and yet most beautiful poetry has come out of these horrible places.

It is there in that desolate place I find joy and peace as I learn to trust in the God of hope. It is in that deserted place I begin to overflow with hope because of the power of the Holy Spirit.

I write because I need to leave a piece of me as a map for those who travel behind me. I need to let them know they are not alone and that I pray over them constantly,

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

September 6, 2017

No Hope?

Isaiah 40:31

But those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

This week my World History students have been studying five major religions of the world. I took away a valuable idea from all of them.

The key focus of my lesson was how do our religious beliefs influence the way we live our lives. At first, my students struggled with the concept. Then we began to talk about each religion’s idea of what happens to us when we died. They quickly realized all the religions had one thing in common, hope and faith in the fact there was something else after we died.

What I took away from this lesson was a sadness for those who do not have this hope and faith. I can’t imagine walking through life without either of those. Why would I get up in the morning? Why would I even try to live my life or improve upon it?

I suffer from depression and PTSD. I know what those dark hopeless days feel like. It is Isaiah 40:31 I often turn to remind myself that my hope is in the Lord and he will renew my strength. He will give me wings to soar far from this depression and I will be able to run and walk again. Without that hope, I would stay crumpled up emotionally and sometimes physically in the fetal position unable to go on.

I am so thankful for my religious beliefs. They bring me comfort and strength. They do influence the way I live my life. I want to share this hope and faith with everyone I meet. I pray for those who have nothing to believe in.

I leave you tonight with this one thought:

If there is no God and Heaven when we die, what did I truly miss out on while I lived?

If there is a God and Heaven when we die, what will I miss out on forever?

Tag: PTSD

Yet I Will Rejoice

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Battle in the Pit

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Just Be Held

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Overwhelmed with Troubles, Near Death, in a Pit, without Strength.

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Save Me from My Darkness

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Who is driving the bus?

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Fear Fighting

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Fair Weather Fan

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Give Me A Pen!

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No Hope?

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