Tag: Depression

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Overwhelmed with Troubles, Near Death, in a Pit, without Strength.

Hebrew 11:1
Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

In the throes of depression, anxiety or even a PTSD attack, I feel alone. I feel I am in the pit. I am surrounded by darkness.

Yet, in this darkness that is full of evil, sadness, hatred, anger a sweet sickening voice calls out softly. It pretends to be my friend. It pretends to understand. It pretends to comfort me. It says things like…

Life is so hard. Your life is a struggle. It just isn’t worth it. Just give in. You are so tired. It would e easier if you just give up. You don’t want to fight anymore. You can’t fight anymore. Everyone else would be so much better without you in their lives. That is what you really want. you are a selfless, loving person. You want what is best for them. So go ahead. Do what is best for them.

In the pit, I feel like Psalms 88:3-4

I am overwhelmed with troubles and my life draws near to death. I am counted among those who go down to the pit. I am like one without strength.

Yes, I am overwhelmed with troubles, near death, in a pit, without strength.

But, wait! These words are in God’s word. God knows where I am. God knows what I am feeling. He used the exact words I am feeling. He even knows I feel like I am crying out to Him and He is rejecting me (Ps 88:14).

He has also provided a magic word to see me through the pit. There is one word, just five little letters long, that will see me out of this pit. That word is FAITH!

The writer of Hebrews us in chapter 11 verse 1 said,

Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

So, where does this leave me in my pit of despair? It leaves me confident that as I hope for God to save me and assurance that even though I don’t see Him right now He is there.

THAT IS FAITH!

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Stop It! You Are Not Going to Die!

Judges 6:23
But the LORD said to him, “Peace! Do not be afraid. You are not going to die.”

“Oh, stop! You are not going to die!”

I am not sure how many times I heard this growing up or how many times I have said it myself to my own kiddos. It is a rather popular phrase to throw out when someone is overreacting. 

These words jumped out at me recently when I was reading the story of Gideon in Judges chapter 6.  I stopped and giggled.  Yep! Even, an Angel of the LORD used this phrase!

Now, I am not so sure this Angel had the hands on the hips, head cocked, eyes rolled and loud sigh when he said these words to Gideon. However, I sure heard it that way when I read it. Then I stopped and wondered just how many times had God spoke those words over me?

How many times had I once again turned a mole hill into a mountain? Now, I am not talking real problems here. I am talking those little things that you just let your imagination run with and now the world is coming to an end. The sky is not falling chicken little!

I can hear God telling me, “You are not going to die!” As a matter of fact, a frequent phrase I hear is, “Are you done yet! You are not going to die!” When that thought enters my head, I draw my bottom lip back in, suck up the snot bubble, wipe my eyes and reply, “Yes LORD, I am finished. What do I do now?”

You see, I hear these words when I have been trying to work out my issue on my own. I have not turned to God. Instead, I decided I was big enough to solve this problem all by myself. In simple words, I. Have. Messed. Things. Up! Now I am slinking over to my corner to lick my wounds wondering why everyone is out to get me.

It is in that moment, my wonderful Heavenly Father leans down and quietly says, “Are you ready for some help now? If so, let’s get you cleaned up and walking in the right direction again. Now, pull it together sweetheart, you aren’t going to die. We can make this right. Don’t be afraid, I am going to be right here with you.”

I will never be too old to mess up and I will never be too old to hear these loving words!

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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HE IS THERE

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalms 27:14
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

Living with any mental illness can drive you to a dark place. I often here others talk about this deep dark pit of despair. I immediately listen to them because I know exactly where they are talking about.

No, it isn’t on a map, but somehow we all describe it as the exact same place. We all speak of it being so dark and small. The walls seem to be slick and yet jagged at the same time. It is impossible to climb out.

The darkness is so think, you could cut it with a knife. You feel the darkness closing in around you, tightening around your throat. Even through the darkness, you know there are things slithering around you. 

It is like pure evil moving in and out and around you. Laughing, sneering, telling you lies after lie.

You aren’t enough!

No one likes you!

No one would miss you if you were gone!

The pain is too much to handle!

You have gone too far this time!

You might as well end it all!

You will feel so much better if you just end it now!

If you have never been to this place, count your blessings right now! Family and friends cannot drag you out of this place. For many, who listen to the voices, they can’t even look up to reach God himself. It is as if the world has been swallowed up around you and all you see, hear and feel is this darkness.

It has taken lots of years, and lots of prayers to find things that help me in this pit. Sometimes the answers come quickly. Other times, I struggle.  I know when I feel myself slipping I need to reach out to trusted friends to hang on to me. Someone to remind me of the lies I am listening to. Someone to help me reach up to GOD! No matter what those voices are saying, HE IS right there with me. Even when I can’t see HIM or feel HIM!

I have also learned to pray scriptures. I memorize them and ask God to break through those voices and remind me of the verse when I need it. He has always been faithful in answering that prayer. Then, I have to do the foot work.  I have to memorize the scriptures and I have to repeat them in the pit. 

My voice usually starts off as a whisper, then gets louder and louder, until I drowned out the other voices. They can’t be heard over God’s Word! Some of those verses are the ones I have written at the top!

The LORD is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid. Wait for the LORD: be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. (Psalm 27: 1 & 14)

I don’t know where you are right now. I also don’t know what roads you have traveled or about to go down.  I do know that GOD is faithful! He will find you wherever you are! Hang on to HIS word and promises. Even in the darkest of places, HE IS THERE!

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Frustratingly Frustrated

Psalm 77:11
I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.

I feel, agape, aghast, amazed, astonished, bamboozled, beat, bewildered, blown away, bowled over, breathless, buffaloed, confounded, dismayed, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, floored, knocked, licked, overcome, puzzled, shocked, speechless, staggered, startle, stuck, stumped, stunned, surprise, taken aback, thunderstruck. 

In other words: I. AM. OVERWHELMED!

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It has been one of those very looooooooong days.  I am switching jobs and had to go to a benefits orientation. I am very grateful to be offered so many wonderful possibilities, but man, making the choices is a nightmare. They throw out so many words like HMO, PCP, OAP, QCHP, SURS, and the alphabets goes on and on and on!

My frustration level quickly hit DEFCON 1. My head started to hurt. I wanted to run, find a place to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. I wanted my mommy!

Some of you may be giggling right now, while others are yelling, “Amen, Sister!” The point is all though this situation may have not brought you to your knees, but I am guessing something at sometime may have. 

We all get frustrated sometimes. It is OK! It is not unChristian to feel frustration. It is not a lack of faith or hope. It is not a disappointment to God. It certainly isn’t a sin!

News Flash! Jesus got frustrated! Take a peek at Matthew 16

5Later, after they crossed to the other side of the lake, the disciples discovered they had forgotten to bring any bread. 6“Watch out!” Jesus warned them. “Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.”

7At this they began to argue with each other because they hadn’t brought any bread. 8Jesus knew what they were saying, so he said, “You have so little faith! Why are you arguing with each other about having no bread? 9Don’t you understand even yet? Don’t you remember the 5,000 I fed with five loaves, and the baskets of leftovers you picked up? 10Or the 4,000 I fed with seven loaves, and the large baskets of leftovers you picked up? 11Why can’t you understand that I’m not talking about bread? So again I say, ‘Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees.’”

12Then at last they understood that he wasn’t speaking about the yeast in bread, but about the deceptive teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees.

Jesus was frustrated with the disciples. I am not saying He became a hot headed maniac and just let loose on the guys. However, clearly He was irritated. 

Frustration is an emotion we must work through. You can’t hide it, drink it, or eat it away. Believe me I have tried. Those things may make you feel better for awhile, but the pain comes back and brings friends like guilt!

Lord, thank you for letting us feel our emotions. Thank you for helping us work through them. Thank you for teaching us through example. I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago (Psalm 77:11).

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Beautifully and Wonderfully Made

Psalms 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

I have this habit of reading things and highlighting, underlining and putting post-it notes all over them when I find quotes or ideas for blogs. Pick up my bible and you have no idea what notecard might fall out at you. I am not better with ebooks.  I highlight and leave myself notes all over the place.

Then there is my walls in my my office. OH BOY! I have all sorts of things tacked, taped and pinned. It is just the way my mind works. 

Some days my mania takes over and I am compelled to write. Sometimes beautiful poetry comes out. Other days, it is just a jumbled mess. I recently shared one of my pieces with a friend who happens to be a social worker. Reading her face as she looked at each line and curve which should have been coherent words but instead looked like some kind of string art, said it all. I know the unreadable layers of words upon words made no sense.  To be honest, what I was writing really had no meaning even if you could make out a word here or there. 

I look at those pages and I see beautiful pieces of art. I couldn’t always say that about them. They use to scare me the next day when I realized what I had done. Now, I see them for what they really are…healing. These roadmaps of lines and curves in multiple colors written in several different directions is my brain making sense of the world around me when I am stressed to my limits and overwhelmed by even the simple thought of breathing.  

God created my mind and he knew the trauma that was going to come into my life. He knew my mind needed a way to escape sometimes into a safe world. A world where words danced across a page, sometimes in a slow lyrical waltz and other times a fast paced jig. 

To some, my world looks like insanity, but to others it is peace. To those who travel the same or similar paths, I hope you find your own safe world. Travelers of other journeys far from my path, I also hope you always find a place to call home.

Whichever roads you take in life or places you find yourself, I hope and pray above all else you learn to love and accept yourself. Show yourself some grace. Paint a world with beautiful colors made up of you! Catch a glimpse in a mirror of just how God sees you!

No, I am not just a woman with PTSD, I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Not a Fair Weather Friend

Matthew 28:20
Lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.

Good Days, Bad Days
Happy Days, Sad Days
Every Days, All Days

We have all seen those stories (and a few of us may have lived them) where a person comes into money or fame and so called “friends” start popping up all over the place. Unfortunately, when the money and fame run out, so do those friends!

Thank goodness we have a true friend who doesn’t run out when the good times do. The original Greek word used for  “always” in Matthew 28:20 literally means “all the days”. Jesus meant he would be with us through All Our Days. This includes all of our circumstances, good and bad.

He is there in those deep dark places, where we think we will never see the light again. When the tears are coming so hard, you can’t even take a breath, he is there. Yes, he is even there when we don’t want to take another breath. You may not feel him or see him, but he is there fighting for you and loving you every step of the way.

This verse reminds me of my mom’s favorite poem, “Footprints.”

Our LORD is with us no matter what we face today. He is walking right beside us and sometimes even carries us. He is NOT a fair weather friend.

 

Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Express It and Confess It!

Psalm 46:1
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Did you know you can’t surprise God? Yep, no surprise parties for Him. 

Everything you do and don’t do, 
Everything you feel and don’t feel, 
Everything you think and don’t thing,
He knows it all and is NOT surprised by it.

I came to grips with this a few years back when I was angry at God.  My husband came home, on my 10th wedding anniversary, to tell me he was in love with someone else and he wanted a divorce.  Here I was all dressed up and ready to go out for a nice dinner.  He was two hours late, with no phone call or text, and these were the first words out his mouth.  I am pretty sure I had a right to be upset.

I was upset with him, of course, but truth was, I was also angry with God.

I had two choices. One, be the “good little Christian” I was taught to be in my Sunday School class as a child and keep it all boxed up. Put a bow on top and smile my way through it. Two,  stomp off to my room give out a wail of an ugly cry and yell and scream at God. Throw the temper tantrums of all tantrums.

Want to guess what I did? If you guessed two, you would be correct!

It was all right there in my heart. God knew it already. I might as well express it! I gave Him both barrels.  I may have even thrown in a cuss word here and there. 

You know what I found out? God has big shoulders. Confessing to Him every little detail was healing. Hiding it and pretending it doesn’t exist doesn’t make it go away. Your pain will find you! 

God was not offended by my  brutal honesty.  As a matter of fact, I think He is more offended when we hide it.  It is like we are out and out lying to His face! We are no better than Adam and Eve trying to hide in garden.

The next time you feel those emotions boiling inside, express them and confess them. Pour out your heart to God. He is our strong refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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She is Not Broken Anymore

I know I would normally blog about some experience I am going through and then tie it all nice and neat up with a bow to a bible verse.  However, tonight is going to be a little different.  A bible study of verses in I Peter, in the Message version of the bible, spoke to me.  I really think they speak for themselves and need no wrapping paper or bows.

Since Jesus went through everything you’re going through and more, learn to think like him. Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way. Then you’ll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want.

Friends, when life gets really difficult, don’t jump to the conclusion that God isn’t on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner.

So if you find life difficult because you’re doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he’s doing, and he’ll keep on doing it.

1 Peter 4:1-2, 12-13 & 19 The Message

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Thank You for Traveling that Road

Philippians 1:6
Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

No one’s life is all rainbows and unicorns. We all face painful moments that rock out entire world in a matter of seconds.

These moments will change you forever. So let them change you for the good.  Let them make you smarter, stronger, and grace filled. 

Through these times of trials and tribulations you just might be molding into the person God is preparing as the answer to someone’s prayer. Someone is going to need your wisdom, knowledge and most important empathy when they travel the road behind you.

Right now you may not see the end of the tunnel, but I know the LORD can. He is right next to you every step breathing life into your present and future. He is shining HIS light in the darkest places. Hold on tight. 

He is NOT going to leave you or forsake you. His grip is very tight and He will not drop you. No uncertainty, no broken dreams, and NO FEAR can keep you from Him.

Kick, scream, cry, throw a tantrum if you must. But then straighten your crown, remind Satan just who you are and keep moving.

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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You Must Step into Freedom

Galatians 5:1
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let ourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

I sat there reliving the moment over and over again. I felt the guilt and anguish. I had really screwed up! I had let my anger get the best of me and I had lashed out at my son, again!

It wasn’t the first time and I am ashamed to say it wasn’t the last either.

When my kids were growing up, I had no idea I had PTSD. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and even bipolar disorder, but no one had even thought of non-combat PTSD.

Non-combat. What does that even mean? It is another label they put on me to let others know that although I have PTSD, it isn’t military related.  To us with PTSD, that label has no meaning. We all know the trauma we went through and how it affects each and every one of us. 

Most importantly, we know the guilt we carry around because of it.

When the battle is over and the smoke clears, I see the damage I have done.  I see the casualties of my sickness. I have to pick up the pieces and try to put them together again.

You don’t have to have PTSD to have these feelings. Any argument can leave you with feelings of guilt. Feelings of would of, could of and should of. It doesn’t matter who was right or who was wrong. The damage is done and no one wins.

Later, as you do pick up those pieces and the mending process starts, the guilt never seems to leave.  Oh, it goes away for awhile. But then you are laying there in bed and the darkness creeps in around you. It whispers how wrong you were. 

How could you have done that!

No one will ever really forgive you for that!

You are the worst person ever!

You don’t deserve to be forgiven!

You are so stupid!

These words are NOT from God!

Let me repeat that…THESE. WORDS. ARE. NOT. FROM. GOD!

Christ draws us closer to him through conviction. The Holy Spirit prompts us to make corrections in our life. Condemnation brings only darkness into our lives leaving us with more problems and no solutions.

Christ came to set us free from condemnation. He knew we were going to have “those days.” He knew we were going to face “those issues.” He also knew we wouldn’t always choose the right way to handle them. He came so we wouldn’t be held captive by our bad choices forever. We would have freedom to stand up, dust ourselves off and try again. 

Our past is a chance for a teaching moment, it should not be a punishment moment. Discipline comes with love, mercy and grace. Punishment comes with hate, evil and condemnation.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let ourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery (Galatians 5:1). Learn from your mistakes and move on. Don’t live as a slave to them for the rest of your life. Christ has opened the door of your cell, but you have to step out into the sunshine.

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.