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Let There Be Light Part​ 1

Genesis 1:3
Let there be light. 

John 8:12
I am the light of the world.

How do you explain PTSD, anxiety, or depression to someone who has never been there?

How do you tell someone watching their loved one suffer that they cannot help or make it go away?  It isn’t their fault.  They did nothing wrong. Don’t take it personally. Their loved one is fighting their demons and they just got caught in the crossfire.

How do you tell someone if I could get out of bed, or off this couch, I would?  If I could quit crying, I would.  If I could stop flying off the handle, I would.  If I could. I would.

No. I didn’t choose to be this way today.  No. I haven’t gotten up on the wrong side of the bed.  No. I am not just feeling a little blue.  No. It isn’t just that time of the month. No. I am not angry at you.

How do I explain how I fee? I feel like I am trying to sweep a dirt floor in the middle of a hurricane.  I can hear everyone around me trying to explain it is a dirt floor.  I know the more I sweep the more dirt I will find.  I hear you scream out, “Why in the heck are you doing this?” while the wind whips around me depositing even more dirt.  But. I. Still. Sweep. And sweep.  And sweep.  I can’t stop.  The broom keeps moving and my hands are glued to it.  I can’t even look up to take a breath.  I. Must. Sweep.

There are no remedies to these problems.  There are no cure-alls.  There is just coping.  Getting through.  Today I would like to let you in on a few of my getting throughs.

Please let me start by explaining there are many medications that can help with the chemical imbalances that occur with PTSD, anxiety, and depression.  My body just doesn’t play well with any of them.  For those they work for, Praise God!  I am so excited for you. I have family and friends who find help in this area.

When I finally figured out meds were not for me, I reached out to others.  I prayed so hard for God to just take it all away. He chose to send me some help instead.  He put people in my life who understood.  People I could turn to in the darkness, who would hold my hand and walk with me. They became lights in my darkness.

I appreciate those people more than they will ever know or understand.  I know I can text and call them at the drop of a hat and they are there. But I didn’t want to always be dependent on them.  That is when God stepped in and said, “Let there be light!”

My light came in the form of four big paws and a very wet nose.  He, like me, ​had gone through some very unpleasant things in his life and was looking for just the right person to love him.

To learn more of my story come back tomorrow.
Copyright © 2017 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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I am confident that I have no confidence! Or, do I?​

Judges 6: 12, 14 & 15

12When the angel of the Lord appeared to Gideon, he said, “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior.”

14The Lord turned to him and said, “Go in the strength you have and save Israel out of Midian’s hand. Am I not sending you?”

15“Pardon me, my lord,” Gideon replied, “but how can I save Israel? My clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my family.”

I have confidence in sunshine,
I have confidence in rain.
I have confidence that spring will come again!
Besides what you see I have confidence in not me.

confidence-i-can

For those of you Sound of Music fans who were singing along above, I apologize for the word change.  But I have to tell you confidence is not a close friend of mine.  I am so glad the bible is filled with not-so-confident characters to help me not feel alone.

One of my favorite Bible stories, when I was little, was about a man who had very little confidence.  As a matter of fact from the world’s point of view, he really didn’t have much to be confident of according to the bible.  This man described himself like this, “Look at me. My clan’s the weakest in Manasseh and I’m the runt of the litter.”

You can read the whole story in Judges chapters 6 through 8.  But for now, let me give you a little taste.

The Israelites had messed up yet again and turned back to doing evil in God’s sight.  So, he turned them over to Midianites who were very cruel to them.  They would march into their land and destroy everything. So the Israelites made hideouts in the caves of the surrounding mountains.   After being reduced to grinding poverty they finally cried out to God for help.

So, who does God send but Gideon the man of the weakest clan and the runt of the litter!  As a matter of fact, poor Gideon has such little confidence about anything he asked God for signs just to make sure he was hearing him correctly.

Oh, and to add insult to injury. Gideon was just finally finding a little confidence and sure that he was supposed to go out and defeat those guys who eat nuts and bolts and drank motor oil for breakfast. God gave him stepped up and gave him the next part of his plan.  Gideon my man you are getting an army of just 300 men to fight along side you!  Oh, and by the way, for your weapons of choice you will get a torch, jar, and trumpet.

Yes, you read that correctly!  God not only chose what the world deemed as a wimp, but he gave him just 300 men to go fight a huge army of elite fighting machines with just a torch, jar, and trumpet.  Now doesn’t that just scream confidence builder! Personally, I think I just would have screamed.

Insert Tabetha now.  I lack confidence in my abilities all the time.  I am not confident about being a wife and mother.  I am so not confident in my writing or teaching.  I am so not confident in standing up in front of people and speaking.  Let me let you in on a little secret.  Confidence does not mean lack of fear. Confidence means you go through with the plan in spite of the fear.

Much like Sister Maria, Gideon had lots of concerns, questions, and fears, but he marched on.  He took those three hundred men and defeated that army of ninjas, without lifting a sword

So you see it is OK to have questions, concerns and even fears because…

Strength doesn’t lie in numbers.
Strength doesn’t lie in wealth,
Strength lies in nights of peaceful slumbers,
When you wake up, wake up! 
It’s healthy!
All I trust I leave my heart to,
All I trust becomes my own!
I have confidence in confidence alone.
Besides, which you see, I have confidence in me! 
(I Have Confidence by Richard Rodgers)
Copyright © 2017 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Who Can Compete With Me?

Galatians 6:4

Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else 

John Lennon sang a song called Imagine.  In one of the verses, he sings:

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people living life in peace, you

Basically, he is saying what if we could get rid of all of our differences and have no competition. Now, he also goes on to say he realizes he is just a dreamer, but he hopes more people have this dream too.

Competition and differences are a part of life.  As you read this, I am competing for your time.  I mean there are million other things you could be doing, right?

So what does the bible say about competing or competition? Well I found a couple of references

1 Corinthians 9:25
Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.

2 Timothy 2:5
Similarly, anyone who competes as an athlete does not receive the victor’s crown except by competing according to the rules.

and then there, of course, are some on running a race

2 Timothy 4:7
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

1 Corinthians 9:24
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Then there is my favorite

Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us

I love this verse because for me one of the biggest hinders is the competition itself.  I want to compare myself to everyone around me.

I was a marathon runner and one thing I learned early on was to quit comparing myself to everyone else and work on my own personal best.  When I concentrated on what everyone else around me was doing I would just get frustrated and angry because I couldn’t match their abilities.  When I concentrated on competing with myself I would find victories over time I ran just a little faster or longer.

My competing with everyone around me became a hindrance that led to a sin of jealousy and envy.  I began to get angry and others.  It is so easy to fall into that entanglement and the world does not help with this.  Just turn on the TV, log on to social media or open a magazine and you will see some beautiful woman who has it all together.  All of a sudden you look at yourself and you are too short, too tall, too fat, too thin. Your kids aren’t perfect enough.  Your spouse doesn’t love you enough.  Your house isn’t fancy and way too messy. You need more money for a new car or fancy vacation. There are millions of other comparisons you can make.

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Let’s take a moment with John Lennon and imagine there is a place where we don’t compare ourselves to others.  Instead, we just work on competing with ourselves.  We take each day to make it a little brighter than the day before.  We move a few steps closer to a goal we have set.  We celebrate our victories each night when we realize even if the day wasn’t perfect, we survived it and are going to get up tomorrow and try again.

Let’s test our own actions. Then we can take pride in ourselves alone, without comparing ourselves to someone else. (Galatians 6:4) 

We haven’t finished the race, but we haven’t quit either. That is a victory worth celebrating!
Copyright © 2017 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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It Aint Over Yet!

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Tis the season when parents praise God and teachers pray to him.  Yep, back to school is around the corner!

In this world, ​there are different types of teachers.  The ones that get all excited with overflowing carts at Target, Pinterest boards galore and visions of school supplies dancing in their heads.  Perky, we shall call them Perky!

Then there is the Oh my gosh how will I ever get along with out my nap time, let alone train my bladder all over again teacher.

It would not be proper to create this list and leave out the final countdown group.  You know the ones that have put in for that blessed place know as Retirement, aka “Sure I will come back and substitute land”.

Then there is me.  I have been in education for fifteen years as of this writing and I have a confession.  I. Am. Burnt. Out.

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I am hanging on to every single minute I have left of freedom. Unfortunately, right now my family is not in a financial position to let me stay home.  We are working on it and I am praying about it every day.  I know God has other another destination for me and this is just a road I am traveling to get there.  It is all a part of his master plan for my life.

Now, I don’t for one minute think teachers have cornered the market on burnout.  So, what does one do about it? Before I begin with some practical suggestions please know that I am not perfect in any way size shaper or form.  I am living through this right now with you.  I have not perfected this attitude.  I am still waking up in cold sweats, heart racing and I will most likely be kicking and screaming my entire drive to school next week.

So here is what I know.

Right now on my path, I must cling to God harder than I ever have and he will hold me up with his right hand (Psalms 63:8).

I will lean on and confidently put my trust in Him, for He, has not forsaken those who seek him (Psalms 9:10).

I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him, I lean and rely, and in Him I trust! (Psalms 91:2).

I trust that God’s peace, which goes far beyond anything I can imagine, will guard my heart and mind (Philippians 4:7).

I know just reading these verses are not going to make the world just turn into rainbows and unicorns. But when I read them over and over they gain a little strength in my life.  They bring me comfort to keep moving.  They help me remember who I am.

My job does not define me.  My job is just a small part of me.  I am a mother, grandmother, wife, daughter, author, aunt, sister.  I so much more than just my job title.  I am a daughter of the king.

Today is but one page in the book of my life.  It isn’t even a chapter.  Today is the only day I have to concern myself with because I don’t need to borrow from tomorrows troubles.

So, I may be a little disappointed next week when I am sitting in a classroom instead of sitting in a Starbucks somewhere working on my book.  However, I know in my heart that this is all a part of God’s plan he has for me. plans to prosper me and not to harm me plans to give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

Are you feeling a little burnt out today too?  Leave a comment and so we can know we aren’t alone and encourage each other to keep walking on.

For now, I would like to leave you with this

I know your heart been broke again 
I know your prayers ain’t been answered yet 
I know you’re feeling like you got nothing left 
Well, lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet so

Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on 
Move, keep walkin’ until the mornin’ comes 
Move, keep walkin’ soldier keep movin’ on 
And lift your head, it ain’t over yet, ain’t over yet

(Move, TobyMac)


Copyright © 2017 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Yes, I would like a venti non-fat double shot strength peace-filled mocha latte, ​please.

Psalms 29:11 (NIV)

The Lord gives strength to his people, the Lord blesses his people with peace.

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Have you ever wished God was like Starbucks?  You know you walk up to the counter or drive up to the little speaker and you say,

“Yes, I would like a venti non-fat double shot strength peace-filled mocha latte please.”

I just want to see a menu of the fruits of the spirit and pray for a shot of this with extra that, all piled high with whip cream!

Yep, I so wish I could do that some days.  However, God seems to think I just need my daily portion and that will suffice.  I know.  He is right.  I also know there are many times he is standing there waiting to give me my portion and I don’t take it.  Or maybe you have been in a place where you have taken it but just not used it.

I am afraid it is time to sit down and have the hard talk now.  So, grab your cup of coffee, relax and take a deep breath.

Let’s start with the obvious.  We all know in our hearts, God is enough.  God gives us what we need when we need it.  I think we can all admit to having enough faith to believe that statement.  Our struggle, or at least my struggle is in the delivery.

I have always had faith God can do anything.  My faith starts being strained when you tie in the “will he” and “when will he” portions.

Over the years, I have really worked on both of these concepts.  It has been hard because there are so many times in our lives we pray for something and God doesn’t answer the way we want.  Now notice those last four words, “the way we want.”  All too often we go to God with a prayer and a plan. Then when God doesn’t follow the plan, we accuse him of not answering the prayer.  When in fact he is answering the prayer just with his plan.  Sometimes those plans include answers in the form of “no” and “not yet.”

Gulp. Breath. Ponder for a minute.

I can’t tell you why God is telling you no or to wait awhile.  I can only tell you he has your best interest at heart.  The situation you are going through today may be unimaginable.  I am thinking of a dear one who recently miscarried. Why would God put someone through all of that?  Why would his answer to bringing a new baby into a warm and loving family, be no or wait?  Why is the woman who can’t get pregnant at all hearing God say no or wait?  Why did that lady who never wanted a child and now wants an abortion to get pregnant in the first place?

I wish with every fiber of my being I could tell you why God does things.  But I can’t. I am not him.

I can tell you one thing though.  God is ALWAYS standing at the door waiting to give you his strength and blessing you with peace.  That is never a “no” or “wait” answer.  As a matter of fact, he is standing on his very tip toes, yelling out as loud as he can, “I am here! Just ask me!  I so want to give you strength and peace!  Ask me! Then take it and use it!”

Do you feel like you are in the pits today?  Do you feel the sorrow is so deep you don’t think you will ever get out?  Are you crying out for just a little of that strength and peace? I would love to pray for you.  You don’t have to tell me what you are going through.  You can leave a comment that just says pray, please.

In the mean time, may I leave you with this…

Lord, you have promised to give your people strength and to bless them with peace.  So, right now I am asking that you deliver on this promise and touch each of us with the strength and peace to carry on through our struggles today, tomorrow and forever to come.  I pray that we learn to cling to that strength and peace even on the days when it seems to take all of it just to take one more breath or one more step.  I will trust that it will be there again when I take the next ones and then again and again. I ask all of this in the name of Jesus. Amen


Copyright © 2017 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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That is so going on my blog!

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV)

Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

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Do you know what the biggest hazard of being friends with a writer is?  You might end up in a blog.  I am constantly telling my friends (and family), “That is so going into a blog!”  Hey, I have been told good writers are good livers.  You want to be authentic, you write what you know.  What do I know?  I know I have enough material to keep you in stitches for the next year.  My friends and I do and say some pretty funny things.

I also know we have been through a lot together.  There have been so many tears and fears we could share: health scares, the death of loved ones, loss of finances, divorce, problems with kids, just to name a few.  My friends know if there is a lesson to learn in whatever we are going through, it could very well end up in a blog.

I wonder if anyone in the bible would have acted or talked in a different way if God had told them, “This is so going on my blog.” Is it wrong that I am thinking I hope not, just like I hope my friends don’t start acting differently because they are afraid they will end up on my blog?  I mean think of all the valuable lessons we could have missed out on.

    • Deceived Eve
 Genesis 3
    • Depressed Cain
 Genesis 4
    • Scheming Jacob
 Genesis 25
    • Weak Samson
 Judges 13-16
    • Fleshly Saul
 Acts 9
    • Self-Pitying David
 Psalms
    • Phony Judas
 Luke 22
    • Impulsive Peter
 Mathew 26

I truly wish I could take away some of the tears and fears my friends have lived through.  I have a lot of things that I have gone through I wish I could have passed on also. But God chose to lead us through those places and each and every one of these journeys has led us to where we are now.

I know for a time the pain is often almost unbearable.  I also know that no matter how much time passes we can still find ourselves grieving and hurting one day and at peace the next.  But what if those pieces of our history could help someone else not go through them or give them a little comfort and peace on their way through.

This is why it is really important to share our stories. We never know who may need to hear it.  Our ups, downs, ins, and outs could just save someone a little heartache and I know for me, that makes my heart ache a little less.
Copyright © 2017 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Storm Alert!

Psalms 119:33&34

34 Give me understanding [a teachable heart and the ability to learn], that I may keep Your law; And observe it with all my heart.
35 Make me walk in the path of Your commandments,
For I delight in it.

Have you ever had to pray, “Lord, make me willing to be willing”?  I know for me there are some days that is all I have in me to give.  I am not in a place to even be willing to do the right thing.  No way! No how!  It is usually because I am so frustrated, angry or hurt at the moment that my inner rebellious little tantrum throwing child is screaming out in pure agony.

Just ask any of my children or my hubby and they will tell you I am very good at the hands on hips, foot tapping, laser eyes, and tightly drawn lips.  Shoot I even add the jaws clenched and teeth grinding some days.  It is in those moments I really need a heavenly attitude adjustment.

I know it.

Everyone around me knows it.

But I! Don’! Want! To! (Please insert stomping foot for full effect!)

I want to hand on to my anger and hurt.  I mean, it was obviously someone else’s fault that I am in this mess.  Somebody did something to me.  I would never choose to be acting like this; would I? Or would I?  Is that somebody really making me act this way?  Do they have so much control that they pull my strings and I perform?

Well, let me tell you, last time I checked Pinocchio and I could sing a duet.

I’ve got no strings
To hold me down
To make me fret, or make me frown
I had strings
But now I’m free
There are no strings on me

I am sorry to say, there is no one making you or I DO anything.

Now please pause with me here just one moment.  I am not saying we never have a reason to feel hurt or angry.  What I am saying is we can choose not to hit DEFCON 1 and let your Mt Vesuvius spew everywhere, while balancing on an earthquake during a hurricane. Oh come on, you know you have all been there.  I am not just being a drama queen here.

When those weather patterns start circling and I feel my temperature rising, I have to choose to step back.  Somedays I have packed all the right gear and can avoid the storm altogether. Other days it rushes up on you out of what seems like nowhere and I have to start with just being willing to be willing.

When I step up and say, God, I am willing to ask to be willing, I can almost hear see him slap and rub His hands together and say, “OK, Challenge accepted!”

I think that is why I love the amplified version of Psalms 119:34 & 35.  In those moments I am reaching out to God and saying my heart is pretty hard right now.  Please give me understanding, soften my heart teachable and make it teachable.  God, I am willing to put one foot in front of the other but please MAKE me walk in Your path.  I know in the end gray skies are gonna clear up and I will put on a happy face.

So the next time the weather alerts to possible storms ahead, grab your rain coat to show God you are at least willing to be willing and He will handle the rest.
Copyright © 2017 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Somebody Call the Prayer Chain!

Galatians 6:2

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Was your mama on the prayer chain?  When I was little our church had the prayer chain.  It was a list of prayer warriors and phone numbers.  Anything happened to anyone in our church you called one person on the list and it was then passed down to the next person.

I still remember my mama saying things like, “I better start the prayer chain!” when she would hear about a problem.  It was often the first she asked when she got to a sick person’s side, “Did anyone start the prayer chain?”

It is a legacy that she has taught to me and I am ever so thankful for.

Luckily, with today’s technology, the prayer chain is a little easier and quicker.  As a matter of fact, almost a year ago I started a little prayer group my husband so lovingly dubbed the Yada Yada Sisters.  He named us after a series of books by Neta Jackson called the Yada Yada Prayer Group.  If you haven’t read the books I would highly recommend them.

As a matter of fact, feel free to swish me to the side and go check them out on Amazon right now.  Don’t forget me though.  Come back when you are done. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Oh, glad to see you back.

As I was saying, we started out with six ladies all from different walks of life but linked by our church.  I had a problem one night and reached out to them in a group text.  The next thing I knew, we were adding ladies and not only sharing prayer requests but praise reports, jokes and recommendations on where to get your car fixed.  Nothing is too small or too large of a concern for this group.

I would love to show you a picture one of the ladies sent us today to make us all laugh.  It has been a rough week for many of us and we just needed to relax.  She, however, would probably kill me if I shared, but let’s just say imagine your worse hair day and multiply it by 1 million…lol! Her water heater went out and so no shower this morning and she has REALLY long curly hair.

I don’t know what I would do without these ladies.  They are the true walking talking manifestation of Paul’s orders to the Galatians to Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 (NIV).

I pray you have people in your life you can depend on like my Yada Yada Sisters.  Please know even if you don’t, we are praying for each and every one of you.  I pray the Lord gives you strength and blesses you with his peace in every walk of your life.

Many blessings to you and yours,

The Yada Yada Sisters!
Copyright © 2017 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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A Glimpse Through God’s Eyes

Psalms 18:29 (NIV)

With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall.

Last week I took my granddaughter to an indoor play area at our local mall.  Actually, we originally went there to get some yummy Chinese for lunch.  However, when she saw all the children running, jumping, climbing and screaming she looked at me with those big sparkling eyes and starting pointing and pleading, “Play MawMaw, play?!”  OK, this MawMaw’s heart melted in about 2.2 seconds and said, “Of course we will play honey.”

Now Baby-bop is petite for her age, but she is one tough little chickadee.  She is only one and a half, but she struts around like she is fully grown.  That is probably because she is around adults most of the time being an only child.

The play area was completely surrounded by a huge couch for adults to sit and relax on while their little monsters ran to and fro.  This MawMaw was still kind of leery of letting her precious little monster just go and play.  I mean there was some bigger kiddos in there.  The toys were huge and slippery.  By the way, who makes a play area where we tell you socks only and then makes all the climbing thingies slick and slippery.  I mean really??

When we first entered, Baby-bop must have been a little apprehensive as well.  She clung to my hand pretty tight and held blanky ever so closely as she sucked her thumb.  She watched the kids very carefully, cocking her head when she couldn’t quite figure out where they disappeared.  Then smiled when they came down a slide or out the other end of a tunnel.

Soon, she dropped my hand and wondered a little closer. Then she started giggling and clapping her hands as she watched several boys playing tag.  Before I knew it, blanky was left on the ground and she was screaming off into the distance.

Occasionally, she would turn and make sure I was still there.  Sometimes she would scream, “Look MawMaw” and point to something or simply want me to watch her.  A few times she came and grabbed my hand and pulled me over to make kids move out of the way or help her climb up something.

As I sat on that couch listening to her shouts of glee and occasional frustration, I saw a glimpse of us through God’s eyes.

I mean this must be what it is like for him to watch us take those first few steps into a new journey.  At first, we are frightened but we step out.  Then as we familiarize ourselves we slowly try new things, meet new people and then in a blink of His eye, we are off to the races.

Like my granddaughter, I hope you never forget help is always there.  Sometimes we just want to yell, “Look at me God, I’m doing it!”  Other times, we are racing back because we are curious or frustrated and need him to show us the way.  Yes, there are even times we come back hurt and crying.  But just like MawMaw, God will pick you up, cuddle you, dust you off and then send you back on your way.

You see even though it is nice and warm and safe cuddled in God’s arms, God knows we have to get back up and go again.  Yes, we could get hurt again, but we also get to love, learn and be filled with joy again too.  With his help we can advance against the troops; with our God, we can scale the walls!
Copyright © 2017 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Darkness to Light

Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)

For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.

I promise this devotion is filled with hope and light, but to get there you must travel through my darkness.  Many years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder which brings with it much panic, anxiety, depression, and mania.  As a matter of fact, in more recent years I was told I was diagnosed incorrectly and it is more likely PTSD.

Which ever label you want to give it, there are moments where the darkness attempts to engulf me.  If you suffer from any of these, I urge to reach out to someone.  Do not let go!  It is not the end!  You are not alone!

We are many and God knows each one of us by name.  He has not forgotten or forsaken us.  He is there in the midst of every second of our fight.  He is battling in places we can’t even see and doing things we can’t even imagine.

When the darkness comes and threatens to extinguish all the light around me, I often turn to writing poetry to describe what I am feeling.  The feelings seem so real at the time; I draw pictures in my mind.  The following is an example of my darkness.

The End?

I am spiraling down the hole.
I grasp and grab but nothing is there.
Air slides through my fingers
All is dark, no light at all
When will this end?

I am afraid of hitting bottom
But anything is better than this
The deep depression of unknown
The anxiety, the panic
Will this never end?

What will I find at the bottom?
What is waiting for me there?
Will I die if I reach it?
Will there be an escape?
Do I want to see the end?

I feel so alone
I feel like an idiot
I am out of control
I should have control
Please let this end!

I see how you look at me
I see the anger and disappointment
You think I am making this up
Just looking for attention
This is not what I want in the end

My heart is heavy
My head hangs low
I want to give up
I want to stop trying
I want this to be the end

So, why do I fight?
Why do I care?
Wouldn’t it be just easier to say I am done
It is finished
Now leave me to the end

Yet, I cannot
I am not finished
There is so much more to do
I must continue
I must fight until the end

How do I know God is there?  I know because in that dark cavern when I am ready to just lay down and not get up again there is a small quiet voice.  It just repeats, “I AM here, now fight!”  It starts as the dimmest of light. I can barely see if flickering far off, but it grows each time I focus and listen. It grows louder, brighter, stronger. Its name is Hope and it is hand delivered by I AM.

Isaiah 41:13 (NIV)

For I am the Lord your God
who takes hold of your right hand
and says to you, Do not fear;
I will help you.


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