Category: Mental Illness

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Saved in Torment

Psalms 18:4-6 & 16

4 The cords of death entangled me;
    the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.
5 The cords of the grave coiled around me;
    the snares of death confronted me.

6 In my distress I called to the Lord;
    I cried to my God for help.
From his temple he heard my voice;
    my cry came before him, into his ears.

16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.

When I put these verses together, I read my life. I read my struggle with mental illness. I read my salvation from suicide.

Today I am thankful there is no pit deep enough, that his love can not reach down and resue me.

Copyright © 2019 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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I Bear the Light! What is Your Superpower?

Matthew 5:14-16 (MSG): 1Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

I read the above verses from Matthew this week and jumped for joy! I found a way I can serve God, by serving others. He has created me to be a light in this world filled with darkness. Created to bear light with the power to dispel the darkness wherever I go.

Do you realize what this means? You, my friend, are a superhero! However, this is much more powerful any superhero power! My light is the word of my testimony. It is my past and all of its good and ugly experiences. My voice is my light. It will show the pathway to survive anxiety, depression, and PTSD by leading people to the one true Light of this World.

God did not create us to sit in pews on Sunday morning and the occasional holiday. He did not create us to read and pray, then do nothing about it. He created us to be a light to this world. We come to bear the light of Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit. We are to open our mouths and share with people, love people, hold people and take them to the one who can heal them and prepare them to be more light in this world.

Whatever experiences you have dealt with in your life, these are your passions. These are the stepping stones to lay out for others who travel the same road. Let your voice be heard. Let your light shine. Tell people they are not alone. You have been there and done that. Wear your superhero cape with pride! You are no longer Clark Kent. You are SUPERMAN!

Superman, DC Comics

Copyright © 2019 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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He’s Got Your Back Even in the Dark

Psalms 39

Psalms 139: 5 You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me.

When depression takes over, you can feel like you are engulfed in the darkness. No one can see you. Life just seems to go on around you and no one cares.

I can promise you someone does see you and someone does cares.

God is always there. He always sees you and he always cares even when we don’t see him or feel him. He has our six. You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me (Psalms 139:5).

7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
12 Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
The darkness and the light are both alike to You (Psalms 139:7-12).

Even in the depths of the pit that surrounds you, God can see you bright as day. He has his eye on you. You are not alone. Call out for him. Let your voice be heard. He will see you through.

Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Yet I Will Rejoice

Habakkuk 3:18
yet I will rejoice in the LORD. I will be joyful in God my savior.

When depression, anxiety, and PTSD hit, they take me down, down deep into the pit. I feel like I am drug swiftly and hard. I grab for anything around to hold on to, but it breaks within my grasp. I can see I am losing touch with reality, but I cannot stop it.

The weight is heavy on my heart and mind. The darkness surrounds and swallows me up. It is too late. No turning back now. I must survive.

How long will it last?
How deep will I go?
Will I find my way back?
Am I lost forever this time?

I don’t know. I need to focus on surviving this moment.
I need to laugh. I need to smile. I need to fight back.

I’m too tired. It hurts. I have nothing left in me.

Then, I hear it, a small distant voice. I am not sure if I am imagining it. It is so faint. “Let Go. Let me hold you.”

Soon, I catch a glimpse of a very faint light. A flicker. It takes all my remaining strength to focus on this beautiful sound and light. I fight the urge to turn away. Then I let go. I don’t fight. I just sit and wait.

A familiar peace starts warming my soul. The light brightens. The voice gets louder. It soon repeats in my heart, “yet I will rejoice in the LORD. I will be joyful in God my savior” (Habakkuk 3:18).

My lips tremble at first. My voice is silent. No air passes my vocal cords, not even a squeak. I am being choked and cannot scream out for help.

I press on with determination from deep within. “Let your voice be heard” starts pounding now, in my head. LET! YOUR! VOICE! BE! HEARD!

My lips part. They begin to move, “yet I will rejoice in the LORD. I will be joyful in God my savior.” Again! AGAIN! A-G-A-I-N!

My voice is now booming. The darkness struggles to hold on. It loses its grip. It scrambles and tightens its talons, but I slip through.

My strength returns. I stand up tall and straight. The light around me is so bright. The voice is loud and harsh and together we dispel the darkness.

I AM FREE!

             Black Canary Cry ~DC Comics

Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Battle in the Pit

Psalm 77 

 Psalms 77:12 (NIV) I will consider all your works and meditate on all your mighty deeds.

Those of us with mental illness do not have a corner on the market on anxiety and depression. As a matter of fact, recent studies say 1 in 10 Americans have suffered from depression in the last year. We all battle with sadness and fears and we all end up in the pit sometimes. You are not alone!

So where do we turn when out trust in God seems to waiver? When answers don’t come immediately, and God seems so far away? What should we do when rescue doesn’t come, and we begin to slip back into “Why Me?” We begin to doubt God loves us and cares for us. We feel as if God is rejecting us. Does God even love me anymore? Will God never again come to my rescue and bring me peace?

Asaph faced the same questions in Psalm 77. He found himself crying out to God for help when he was in distress. He talks of being anxious and not finding comfort. He couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t find the words to express what was going on (verses 1-4). He followed all the teachings we have heard such as Philippians 4:6, “do not be anxious…by prayer and petition… present your requests” and “Humble yourselves… cast all your anxiety on him” (1 Peter 5:6 & 7) and yet no relief comes.

Then we hit rock bottom (verses 7-9). The pit begins to close in on us and we start wondering if God has forgotten about us. In just a few chapters over in chapter 88, Asaph describes this time as being “counted among those who go down to the pit” (vs. 4) and “put me in the lowest pit, in the darkest depths” (vs 6). Just when it feels there is no way any light will ever penetrate our soul again; a thought comes to mind. Do you remember when…?

Do you remember the time you were running late, you had to park at a meter only to find you had no change, but by the grace of God, the meter still had an hour left on it? Or the time, you pumped your gas and ran in to pay when you realize you forgot your money, and someone offered to pay? What about the time you felt so alone and down on yourself and someone smiled and told you how lovely your outfit was today? These are God winks! These are weapons to defeat the enemy.

When we step back and take a moment to remember all of the things God has brought into our lives, all the times he has saved us, we take our eyes off the problem. We are reminded just how great our God is (Psalm 77:13). We revel in his display of power among our lives (vs 14).

No, peace may not come right away. Our answer may still be on the horizon. We may have to wait it out in the pit for just a little while longer, but now we have a weapon to battle with while we are there. We have something to hang on to. We have hope because of all the great things God has done in the past. We have hope that he will restore us once again and make his face shine on us that we may be saved again (Psalm 80:7).

 Prayer:  Thank You, Father, for all the miracles you have brought into our lives. Thank you for hearing our cries and prayers from the pit and being right there with us. Help us to always remember just how much you love us and are there for us. Bring to our memories Your manly faithful acts in the past, so we can take our eyes off the current problem and put them where they belong, on You. In Jesus name, Amen.

Your Turn: 

Choose your weapon! What event from your past will you choose for encouragement, to battle in the pit? Share your comments below. You never know, your story might be the one to save someone else.

Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Just Be Held

Isaiah 26

Key Verse: Isaiah 26:3-4 You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.

I was deflated when I read the words “whose minds are steadfast”. With mental illness, there is no steadfast in my head. Anxiety, depression, PTSD swirl around forever. Darkness, death, and what feels like pure evil are always a single breath away.

Then, I stopped and researched the word steadfast. In this verse, the original Greek word is samak. Its meaning was not what I thought.

Webster says steadfast is an adjective that means loyal, faithful, committed, devoted, dedicated, dependable, resolutely, or dutifully firm and unwavering.

Samak, on the other hand, is a verb that means to brace, to lean upon, rely upon, gain confidence, refresh, or strengthen.

The Greek word for mind in this passage is yeser which simply means an inclination, disposition, motivation, or desire.

With this little bit of knowledge, I now look at these verses an entirely different way. God is not telling me my mind has to be committed or dependable. No! He is telling me to take an action. I need to be trying to lean on him, rely on him. This reminds me of my favorite Casting Crowns song, Just Be Held.

We need to let go and just be held. Being held is the perfect peace God is giving to those, in this passage, who learn to lean on Him!

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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The Weary Will Prevail

Proverbs 30

Key Verse: Proverbs 30:1 I am weary, God, but I can prevail. (NIV)

How many times has someone asked you how you are doing and you reply, “Fine” when you want to say, “Awful”? I have often referred to this as being a Pollyanna.  Pollyanna is the main character in the novel Pollyanna by Eleanor Porter and the Disney movie about a girl who always played the glad game. Her father, a missionary, taught her the game one Christmas when instead of getting a doll, she received a pair of crutches from a missionary box. He said you must always look at things and find the good in them. For me, to be a Pollyanna means always pretending everything is okay.

I am not saying we should not look for the good in things. However, as one of my favorite authors, Sheila Walsh, points out, “It is Okay to not be Okay.”

In Proverbs 30, Agur, the author has a great response, I am weary God, but I can prevail (30:1). What he meant is how we often feel as Christians. Yeah, I am not so great today but I am going to keep moving on. By faith and hope, I will look to a better day. Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

Proverbs 3:17 says God’s wisdom will take us to pleasant ways and all her paths are peace. I am fond of saying, this doesn’t mean a life filled with unicorns and rainbows. This means assurance in those times of weariness that you will prevail.

The peace God offers is beyond understanding (Philippians 4:7). It is a peace that is propped up by faith and hope. It is a peace that says, “Today I am weary God but I will prevail.”

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Overwhelmed with Troubles, Near Death, in a Pit, without Strength.

Hebrew 11:1
Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

In the throes of depression, anxiety or even a PTSD attack, I feel alone. I feel I am in the pit. I am surrounded by darkness.

Yet, in this darkness that is full of evil, sadness, hatred, anger a sweet sickening voice calls out softly. It pretends to be my friend. It pretends to understand. It pretends to comfort me. It says things like…

Life is so hard. Your life is a struggle. It just isn’t worth it. Just give in. You are so tired. It would e easier if you just give up. You don’t want to fight anymore. You can’t fight anymore. Everyone else would be so much better without you in their lives. That is what you really want. you are a selfless, loving person. You want what is best for them. So go ahead. Do what is best for them.

In the pit, I feel like Psalms 88:3-4

I am overwhelmed with troubles and my life draws near to death. I am counted among those who go down to the pit. I am like one without strength.

Yes, I am overwhelmed with troubles, near death, in a pit, without strength.

But, wait! These words are in God’s word. God knows where I am. God knows what I am feeling. He used the exact words I am feeling. He even knows I feel like I am crying out to Him and He is rejecting me (Ps 88:14).

He has also provided a magic word to see me through the pit. There is one word, just five little letters long, that will see me out of this pit. That word is FAITH!

The writer of Hebrews us in chapter 11 verse 1 said,

Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

So, where does this leave me in my pit of despair? It leaves me confident that as I hope for God to save me and assurance that even though I don’t see Him right now He is there.

THAT IS FAITH!

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HE IS THERE

Psalm 27:1
The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalms 27:14
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the Lord.

Living with any mental illness can drive you to a dark place. I often here others talk about this deep dark pit of despair. I immediately listen to them because I know exactly where they are talking about.

No, it isn’t on a map, but somehow we all describe it as the exact same place. We all speak of it being so dark and small. The walls seem to be slick and yet jagged at the same time. It is impossible to climb out.

The darkness is so think, you could cut it with a knife. You feel the darkness closing in around you, tightening around your throat. Even through the darkness, you know there are things slithering around you. 

It is like pure evil moving in and out and around you. Laughing, sneering, telling you lies after lie.

You aren’t enough!

No one likes you!

No one would miss you if you were gone!

The pain is too much to handle!

You have gone too far this time!

You might as well end it all!

You will feel so much better if you just end it now!

If you have never been to this place, count your blessings right now! Family and friends cannot drag you out of this place. For many, who listen to the voices, they can’t even look up to reach God himself. It is as if the world has been swallowed up around you and all you see, hear and feel is this darkness.

It has taken lots of years, and lots of prayers to find things that help me in this pit. Sometimes the answers come quickly. Other times, I struggle.  I know when I feel myself slipping I need to reach out to trusted friends to hang on to me. Someone to remind me of the lies I am listening to. Someone to help me reach up to GOD! No matter what those voices are saying, HE IS right there with me. Even when I can’t see HIM or feel HIM!

I have also learned to pray scriptures. I memorize them and ask God to break through those voices and remind me of the verse when I need it. He has always been faithful in answering that prayer. Then, I have to do the foot work.  I have to memorize the scriptures and I have to repeat them in the pit. 

My voice usually starts off as a whisper, then gets louder and louder, until I drowned out the other voices. They can’t be heard over God’s Word! Some of those verses are the ones I have written at the top!

The LORD is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid. Wait for the LORD: be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. (Psalm 27: 1 & 14)

I don’t know where you are right now. I also don’t know what roads you have traveled or about to go down.  I do know that GOD is faithful! He will find you wherever you are! Hang on to HIS word and promises. Even in the darkest of places, HE IS THERE!

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Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

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Beautifully and Wonderfully Made

Psalms 139:14
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

I have this habit of reading things and highlighting, underlining and putting post-it notes all over them when I find quotes or ideas for blogs. Pick up my bible and you have no idea what notecard might fall out at you. I am not better with ebooks.  I highlight and leave myself notes all over the place.

Then there is my walls in my my office. OH BOY! I have all sorts of things tacked, taped and pinned. It is just the way my mind works. 

Some days my mania takes over and I am compelled to write. Sometimes beautiful poetry comes out. Other days, it is just a jumbled mess. I recently shared one of my pieces with a friend who happens to be a social worker. Reading her face as she looked at each line and curve which should have been coherent words but instead looked like some kind of string art, said it all. I know the unreadable layers of words upon words made no sense.  To be honest, what I was writing really had no meaning even if you could make out a word here or there. 

I look at those pages and I see beautiful pieces of art. I couldn’t always say that about them. They use to scare me the next day when I realized what I had done. Now, I see them for what they really are…healing. These roadmaps of lines and curves in multiple colors written in several different directions is my brain making sense of the world around me when I am stressed to my limits and overwhelmed by even the simple thought of breathing.  

God created my mind and he knew the trauma that was going to come into my life. He knew my mind needed a way to escape sometimes into a safe world. A world where words danced across a page, sometimes in a slow lyrical waltz and other times a fast paced jig. 

To some, my world looks like insanity, but to others it is peace. To those who travel the same or similar paths, I hope you find your own safe world. Travelers of other journeys far from my path, I also hope you always find a place to call home.

Whichever roads you take in life or places you find yourself, I hope and pray above all else you learn to love and accept yourself. Show yourself some grace. Paint a world with beautiful colors made up of you! Catch a glimpse in a mirror of just how God sees you!

No, I am not just a woman with PTSD, I am beautifully and wonderfully made.

Copyright © 2018 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.