Who is driving the bus?

Psalms 29:11
The Lord gives strength to his people; the Lord blesses his people with peace.

I went to a new doctor today.  After many years of seeing the same doctor, I had gotten quite comfortable with myself.  My doctor was a good friend of mine.  Unfortunately, he had to move his practice far enough away that I was no longer able to see him.

I have known about this move for six months.  I have been on this new doctor’s list for about 4 months or so, but I had not gone in to see him.  I hate meeting new doctors.

Now, I do realize no one likes to go to the doctors.  I mean we don’t usually wake up and say…gee I wonder what my doctor is doing today.  I think I should make an appointment to see him.

However, I HATE going to the doctor’s office and I REALLY HATE seeing a new doctor!!!!!!

I have quite a few issues.  If you have read my older blogs you know one of them is seizures.  I have not seen a neurologist in over 10 years because I gave up on them.  So, I really hate discussing that problem, but I was expecting it.  I also have two types of arthritis, asthma and Crohn’s disease. Again, I don’t like going over my history and what I am currently doing about them, but I was expecting it.

What I wasn’t expecting to discuss, my PTSD.

Before you ask, no my PTSD is not combat PTSD. I was not in the military. I wish my doctor would have asked that and just left it there. But NO! He wants to dive into what trauma in my life could have caused my PTSD.

Here is my theory on PTSD.  It is kind of like Fight Club (movie reference). The first rule about Fight Club is you don’t talk about Fight Club!  Yep! That sums up my feeling on my PTSD! Unfortunately, this new doctor did not agree.

***INSERT MELTDOWN HERE***

Now you would think someone who is writing her dissertation on PTSD was comfortable with her own fight.  Well, most of the time I am.  Unfortunately, the nature of PTSD does not leave you in control.  You do not get to pick and choose how you will feel or respond. I have spoken in front of people before concerning my PTSD.  Today, however, was just a day that PTSD was driving the bus and it was racing out of control very quickly!

Flashbacks flooded my head.  I was crying the entire way home.  None of my mind techniques would work.  My service dog clung to me to try and make me feel safe and distract my mind.

I would love to tell you my first thoughts were some beautifully worded prayer that would tickle the ear of any Christian.

Nope!

I screamed at God! I screamed, “Why?”

I screamed, “How could you?”

I screamed, “Where are you?”

I screamed, “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS!!!!”

What did I hear back? The Holy Spirit brought to my mind Psalms 29:11.   He said I am giving you strength because you are mine.  I am blessing you with peace.  Accept it. Sit back and let me take control of the bus!

My heart stopped racing.  My anger subsided.  Reality began to return.

Thank you, Lord, for your strength and peace. You were with during the trauma.  You held my hand and screamed and cried with me.  You still hold my hand as you fill me with your strength and peace.

My voice has been heard by many young men and women.  My story has been shared before.  I have been the voice of the voiceless.  I wish I would not have gone through my trauma, but I am glad that I survived. For if my journey can save even one person from giving in to the darkness, then I would gladly do it all over again.

ptsd_brain

Copyright © 2017 Tabetha Frick All Rights Reserved.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.